The single phrase that changed my life in 2023
Some people start their year with a phrase or a mantra instead of a New Year’s Resolution. I always thought that was an interesting twist, essentially having a phrase that held you accountable to the year.
Words like bravery or self-care seemed to be a better fit to me since they gave wiggle room to execute against that phrase, while still providing focus. And as I type this, it legit just dawned on me that I probably like this approach because it parallels to Product in a lot of ways. In the same way that a phrase can give structure yet flexibility to someone’s year, the same can be said of a company or product strategy. (more on that later… maybe)
In any case, I didn’t start my year with a phrase, but one simply manifested itself throughout the year. And yes, I’m will tell you what it is, but first, I want to provide a little context as to why this phrase, among any other of the million possibilities, really struck me this year.
I’ve had a rough couple of years. Shitty narcissistic bosses, caring too much about someone else’s business, putting other people’s needs before my own, and so much more. But I’ve also experienced a lot of growth over the same set of years, hard-won battles and more confidence, so at the end of the day, I chose to look at the value those experiences brought me.
But as I reflect, I also have to hold myself accountable for my part in those experiences. The times I let my emotions take control, the times I created a narrative that didn’t exist, the times I accepted something that I shouldn’t have, and the times I got too invested in something I shouldn’t have. This is in both my personal and professional lives. It’s definitely been an uphill battle.
But since this phrase has entered my life, I feel lighter, quite frankly. It has helped me see past the fog I sometimes put in front of myself to see things more objectively. I’ll be honest, it doesn’t always work, but when it does, it feels like you’re taking a breath of fresh air after being enclosed in a smog-filled room for too long.
Tldr;
So what’s the phrase?
Who told you that?
So simple and yet so impactful.
When I question myself with this phrase, it really sheds light on our assumptions. It brings us back to working with the facts of the matter and not our interpretations, our expectations, our trauma or anything else that shapes-shifting what’s right in front of us.
Personal life examples
- When I get anxious about a relationship (romantic, platonic or otherwise) and I start thinking that this person hates me for whatever reason or worse, will leave me
- When I start to get in my feelings about how I look or how my clothes don’t fit right
- When I worry about constructing boundaries with people in my life and then get anxious or worried about how they’ll react
I legit ask myself, who told you that? And then I sit and wait for my mind to answer me. And when it has nothing to say, I’m like, yep. Exactly. That’s not true; they didn’t say that, this hasn’t happened yet, etc. And then, I focus on the things they said or the times when it did go well.
Work-life examples
- When I get anxious about having a hard conversation with someone (an employee, a boss, a peer, anyone), expecting them to take it the worst.
- When I question if I’m doing a good job or not
- When I worry about how I came off in a meeting (ugh)
Same thing, who told you that? From what data point are you making these assumptions?
**crickets**
A more “practical” work example is using this phrase as a tool as a Product Manager.
When a client or founder wants to prioritize this new thing that they think will get us to product market fit. Who (and in some cases what) told you that (would be a good idea)?
This then changes the conversation from feelings based; whether I agree or disagree with the client is kind of irrelevant and focuses on the facts. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ll say all the time it doesn’t matter what you like, it doesn’t matter what I like, it matters what works for the user.
I believe everything we focus on as a business should be based on some fact. Either a customer said it during user research (part of the extreme importance of UXR), the product analytics highlighted this in the data (again, part of the EXTREME importance of having data even at an early stage company), or market research showed you in some way.
And for the people that are like, no, you won’t always have data to decide with, stop. If you’re not going to try, just say that because there are always ways to validate an idea or a hypothesis without going balls to the wall and building it out fully.
Here’s a recent example: I was working with a client that wanted to package up some disparate items/features and sell it to customers, and I kept asking two questions: (1) what problem are we solving and (2) who told you that (they will pay for that). I also tried to explain that they didn’t have to spend 2–3 months with this new product out in the market to test it; they could legit just create a survey asking people that fit their target persona if they would pay for this new product and if so how much.
That alone will give you the directional data you need to make an informed decision about whether to pivot or take it to the next step and put it in the market. But it clearly answers the question, who told you that?
Also, just think about the narrative that this provides for the company, that you can tell Sales, Marketing, Engineering, and Customer Service that the company is focusing/investing their most valuable resource of time into X product because we had clear data that there was some pulse to this thing. It just hits different. It gives you confidence in the company’s leadership, and it gives you confidence that you might still have a job in 3 months.
We’ve seen enough startups crash and burn based on someone’s gut, which is just so crazy because the data is literally a breath and maybe $200 away.
I digress.
That simple question of ‘Who told you that?’ has lifted so much off my shoulders this year. I sincerely hope that it helps you just as much.
For more of my ramblings on this topic check out the corresponding YouTube video.
