Dealing with a narcissistic boss
As I look back at some of the startups that I worked at in the past, I wonder if trauma is just part of the startup experience.
I know that sounds dramatic, but its warranted. Trust me.
Have you ever had a boss yell at you when you said that if there was something morally wrong (like bold face lying to investors) and that would be a line you wouldn’t cross they then proceeded to go off on you?
Have you ever had a boss get mad at you because you wouldn’t shit talk a peer, particularly when that peer didn’t do anything wrong?
Have you ever had a boss blame every other person except themselves for the state of the company and its (lack of) user acquisition?
Have you ever had a boss berate you for calling out the obvious gaps in their strategy? (ie. you can’t just manifest success… crazy right?!)
Have you ever had a boss demean your work with no clear feedback? Saying something like “if you don’t understand this, I just don’t know what to tell you. This is just common knowledge”
Have you ever had a boss that was always the victim?
If you worked in startups chances are you have, because even though these examples are only a small fraction of my lived experiences, these are also many of the experiences of my peers. Its almost like these problematic leaders are all reading from the same shitty comic book on how to run a company (because lets be real they’re not reading books)
But you may be looking at this like “Well Brittany these aren’t all signs of a narcissistic leader”, and you may be right, because I’m not a doctor. But she is, this a really good clip of Dr. Ramani Durvasula talking about narcissistic leaders.
But per usual I’m not just here to bring awareness to what you might encounter out here in these startup streets, I want to also prepare you as well as have a call to action at the end for the VCs, funders and enablers that look the other way.
But first, how to identify the crazy!
Identify it early
Its reaalllly hard for some people to identify a narcissistic leader during the interview process. Partly because
- If you haven’t worked for one before its easy to miss the signs.
- Part of why narcissistic people are successful is because they can be very charismatic and great salespeople.
- They can be very good rational seeming people for short periods of time.
But here are some questions that I’ve started to use really early on in order to identify a toxic narcissistic person.
Find the longest person at the company thats worked with them directly, but not a cofounder, and grill them!
Note the no-cofounder thing is important, please don’t discount it. Co-founders may be able to acknowledge the toxic traits but they are also heavily bought into and most importantly financially tied to the success of that person. I have never come across a co-founder who was willing to take on that fight, and I personally think its incredibly unlikely that they would even win if they tried because of the imbalance of power that the narcissistic co-founder likely has. But I digress.
Here are the questions to ask the OG:
- How does XX deal with people that disagree with them or when someone has a difference of opinion?
- In general how does XX handle conflict?
- Has XX have a habit of identifying “golden children”?
- When was the last time that XX took accountability for something that went wrong?
- When was the last time XX blamed someone for something that didn’t go as expected?
- How much effort does XX put into planning?
- How well does XX receive feedback, particularly constructive feedback?
- [If you’re backfilling a role] What was the relationship between the person I’m replacing and XX? How did they manage disagreements?
- How often does XX change their mind and/or add something to the roadmap?
- How well does XX take input from others on the team?
- Have you seen XX berate someone before?
- Has the company ever had a rockstar that then was fired 3–6 months later?
As you can probably tell these questions are really trying to get into the nitty gritty of what it would be like working with this person, and if you get real answers to 2–3 of these questions you’ll definitely have all you need to know, but it is imperative that you get real answers with examples. If you leave the conversation and you can’t write down explicit answers, you likely have the wrong person and/or they’re an enabler.
Also, when you’re talking to the boss directly if they’ve mentioned multiple times that they’ve done your job before, its not a good sign. Its almost as if they are trying to convince you just as much as themselves in their expertise. In my experience this also means that when push comes to shove, when you aren’t doing what they want as opposed to doing the thing thats the best for the user and the business (go figure) , then they will just take over because they think that they can do your job better than you.
If the leader thinks of themselves as an expert in your field MAJOR red flag.
Ok so let’s switch gear, its too late and they got you (fam, trust me they got me too… multiple times) so now what? Why does it matter if they are narcissistic or not?
I’m glad you asked.
Why it matters
Granted everyone’s different, but for us, the people and women of color who are trying to navigate this cis white male world where all we want to do is do a good job, working for a boss like this makes it damn near impossible.
Part of the reason is because you’re always trying to hit a moving target with an ever changing definition of what good looks like. Another reason is that they begin to make you think that you’re crazy and you’re the problem.
Note this experience is not specific to any identity, I’ve had bosses that shared my identities as well as identified as other underrepresented identities. To be honest, it makes it hurt worse when they do.
One boss in particular really had me questioning if I was good at my job. I legit went through an identity crisis until my therapist essentially was like enough is enough and you need to get out. I’m not one to question my effectiveness as a PM, I may question a lot of things but whether or not I’m good at what I do was not one of them.
So not only does it effect your mental health, but you also find yourself putting in crazy hours to gain the validation from your boss but it never comes. So you end up mentally and physically exhausted and the trauma just increases. This where I find super talented people at really high levels in organizations breaking down in tears because of the toxicity. And to me thats never a reflection on the person, its a reflection on the leader and the culture they’ve created.
And just think as you’re withering away at an organization that is not only undervaluing you but also intentionally inflicting trauma (as if we don’t already have enough on our own), you could be at another organization that won’t. And trust me it is that simple, it just takes some intentional behaviors to find them.
Ok so now that you know they are shitty, what can you do in the short term while you figure out what you want to do for the long term…
Tips for surviving
- Don’t engage.
It might feel like a struggle, but there’s never a positive outcome for you if you respond. So don’t.
Granted this will likely piss them off and they will continue to be who they are, but they would have done that anyway. At least this way you are prioritizing you and controlling the only thing you can, which is how you react. So what does this look like?
Well…
If they try and guilt you like “I expected so much more from you..” respond with “Understood”.
If they try to rope you into cosigning on bad behavior, respond with something non-committal like “oh I didn’t happen to witness that”.
Essentially focus on phrases that are non-committal, shows comprehension but no explicit agreement or disagreement. Your goal is to give as little as possible and to interact as little as possible. The best outcome is that they’ll get bored and focus their attention elsewhere while you make progress on your escape plan.
2. Make everything public to the team (as much as possible)
These type of leaders try really hard to silo folks and abuse them in private, so the best defense is to never be in private with them or at the very least follow up with notes about 1–1 conversations in public channels.
I legit had a boss that told me I couldn’t talk to another employee. Imagine this…
“Hey XXX said that you asked her to cancel the convo we had planned”
“Yea I did I didn’t think it was useful”
“Well we just wanted to talk about [common interested topic]”
“I know that but I didn’t want you making decisions for them, they report to me”
“The conversation was just a conversation because we’re both passionate about the topic, no decisions were being made”
“Good, but I prefer that conversation still not to happen”
“So you’re saying I can’t talk to XXX?”
“Correct”
While this is a paraphrased re-enactment, you probably also wouldn’t be surprised to hear that they also told a group of employees to stop talking in a team slack room about a topic they didn’t like but instead called everyone individually to discuss.
Think about it, its always going to be a they-said/they-said situation if there are no other witnesses.
BUT be aware, putting conversations and/or followups in team chatrooms will also likely piss them off as well.
Brittany why are you giving me tips that are going to piss this person off! Well because there’s no way to avoid the fire coming your way, so the best thing you can do is get enough witnesses and proof to the bad behavior so that if you are unfairly terminated you at least have the evidence to prove your case.
Which leads me to my next point…
3. Document everything!
And I mean everything! All the praise they give you before the switch is flipped, all the underhanded comments, even just a record of things that were talked about verbally. Document it all.
I’ve worked with people that never put anything in writing to avoid this evidence collection. 9 times out of 10 your narcissistic boss is too ego driven to think anything will happen to them so they will likely put things in text. But again even if they don’t, have people around to be able to validate your experience and document it all anyway. We forget timelines and details as memories fade overtime, so its important to gather it all as it happens and is fresh in your mind.
4. Find your support within the org
This was something I learned too late the last time I dealt with a boss like this. You’re not the only one being treated this way so find the others and compare stories. Not only will the support feel really fucking good, but also it will give you a more comprehensive view of what’s really going on and validate the truth that you are not the problem.
In rare cases you might be able to go to the board (in VC backed companies) to lay out all the evidence. But sometimes the emotional support and the network of people having each others back is enough to make it through and make it out.
Because at this point I wouldn’t recommend trying to make it work, I’ve never seen it happen. I would recommend surviving until you don’t have to anymore. And if you got it like that, quit on that day with no notice. Remember they don’t owe you a 2 weeks notice when they fire you, and neither do you!
Wrapping it up
One of my close friends told me twice this year how happy I looked when I wasn’t working for the narcissistic boss, of course she didn’t put it in those terms but I made the connection later. My whole being changed, I was a lighter person and she could feel that.
Yo, life is too short to waste it on someone who won’t appreciate it. Chose you my friend.
If you want to hear more details with some more examples check out the corresponding video on my YouTube channel here.
Lastly, any VCs/funders/enablers that have read this far, its not your fault for investing in these people in the beginning, like I said they are really good salespeople. But it is your fault when you continue to do so, because all the information is there if you look for it. Each narcissistic boss has a trail of “bodies” and excuses, all within short timeframes. You don’t have to replace a shitty leader because its the right thing to do (even though that should be enough) but also because these same shitty leaders are going to lose your money!
If they are lying to their teams and actively abusing them, what do you think they are going to do with your investment? Do you think these people are going to be capital efficient? Do you think they are going to thoughtfully invest in the right activities and just as thoughtfully be honest about what’s not working and ask for help? Do you think they are telling you the truth!
Fuck No!
Its literally better for the entire industry to get rid of these ego maniacs, save the business and your investment and reward the amazing people who are trying to ACTUALLY do the work instead of play boss for their own selfish reasons.
